What the Hell Was That?
In an effort to ignore the obvious influx and massive procreation of Russians in my neighborhood and
surrounding ones, I have come across what may be unignorable. Please take a moment to study some aspects of
Russian culture. (New theme song!)
Exhibit A: Russian Beer
Here we see the finest Russian beer in the grocer's fridge prominently displayed next
to the 99 cent Coors Light. Notice the very gay and intoxicated look on the model's
face. This portrait represents a place where every man not only has a pint of beer
with a good head, but also his own portable keg, as well as an outdated hairstyle.
Imported from Moscow, XAMOBNNYECKOE is the first choice for drunken fun.
Exhibit B: Russian Signs
Not too far from the beer, a sign awaits to warn all Russians not to
feed the birds. As if the city was not already adept at spending my
tax dollars on useless things, they wow me again with this sign. I
take it that Russian folk are inclined to feeding pigeons, or finches as
the sign depicts, which causes anything from hazardous road
conditions due to clumps of bird crap to gastric disturbances in the
animals.
Disclaimer: If anyone viewing this page feels offended in any way, I
don't care!
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Exhibit C: More Beer
Someone's been drinking my beer! Where is Goldilocks when you
need her to translate? A new brand of beer has appeared on the
shelves at the grocer and does it convey a message or what? The
bear is either really embarrassed to model for this beer or is has to
take a big piss, also because of the beer. Are the other bears
mocking our star? Probably. I can hear it now: "Igor is such an ass
for drinking TPN MEABEAR. Now he has no where to piss."
Exhibit D: Party Hard
Now you can party hard with the new mini keg
from this company. Now, invite Stanislav, Galena,
Igor, Tatiana, Misha, and Bella to the all-nighter of
the year! Foster's should sue for infringement.
Exhibit E: The Slow Conversion
This is an outrage! Not only do I have to see every sign in Russian
(see above), they are now trying to make English letters LOOK
Russian by adding those swirls and frills to the letters. Look at the
"A" in "happy". Looks more like the weird "A" in ANTEKA! Makes
me wonder why they didn't put the "N" in my name backwards or
make the "H" look like that letter they have that looks like a big
asterisk.
Exhibit F: Midnite Russian Burger
Not only have they made my favorite food undesirable without
saying a word, you can also get a chicken sandwich with everything
too. Too bad I don't know the Russian writing for GROSS, but I'm
sure it has a backwards "R" or something. Folks, don't be fooled by
the seemingly harmless "bYPrEP" in your area. I know it sounds
tempting at $1.99, but you should not let your curiosity get the best
of you. Be safe. Be choosy. Beware of bYPrEP.
It's here! Genuine KBAG Soda! Yes folks, I tasted it and let me tell you! It
tastes like  a cheap rum and "coke" and it gives you headaches! I kid you not,
two of my friends and I have drank some of this "KBAG" soda and we ALL got
a headache. Please people, don't try this at home! I think it's a super secret
serum that is used to make Americans dizzy! And just WHO is that guy on the
bottle? I'd like to know. I bet he is the guy who quality controls this "hemlock".
Look at his face! I smell a rat... and really bad soda. Now available at Shop Rite.
Exhibit G: Soda on the Rocks
Exhibit H: Russian Dirt Scribbles
Whoa! Check it out! Not only is it a Russian Furniture Truck
(Brighton Furniture), it also sports Russian graffito. Leave it to the
Russians to incorporate Russian graffito in a money saving way... and
on a moving billboard! Congratulations Angelo! If anyone out there
knows what the graffito says, please email me the translation.
Exhibit I: The Wawa of St. Petersberg
Now you don't have to go to Philly to check out the newest Wawa mart. Just
drive down to Brighton Beach and see the Russian equivalent! I know it says
"WAWA bI 4 HAR" but it's close enough. I hear they not only sell KBAG
slurpees, but they also serve bYPrEP (with cheese!!) I haven't tried the
borscht flavored doughnuts, but I'm sure it's just as "tasty" as everything else!
YUM!
Sure enough, there is more to love on the world wide web. This webpage features all the
best Russia has to offer, including MTV Russia! My favorite section is npNKnIo4eHNR
where you can find the Russian Three Musketeers... THE MUSICAL!! Click here to check
out a hot number from this top 10 movie from Mama Russia. Then you can click here for
some Russian Cookie Monster Music! Its not PoK music, and it sure beats the band *KyN.
Exhibit J: World Domination